ConspiratorSoFine’s blog

When it rains, it pours. Bad things happen in threes and yadda, yadda, yadda. I've lost my drivers licence for 2 months due to some costly mistakes I've made over the past 5-6 months. In the past week I've had a seat belt fine, car inspection notice (from the accident I was in) and a red light traffic violation thingy. You know those lovely little cameras they put in the intersections now? Yeah, busted! I've decided to keep things light though, keep my life light. As long as I have my health, family and friends, life is good. I can only laugh. How the hell will I make it to work? Slowly life is unraveling from all of my fast living. My car is flagged if I don't take it to get inspected within a month...don't need to worry about that because I won't be able to drive. I'm an idiot. I'd just like to not have to deal with myself for like, five minutes.

 So it has been ages since I've last blogged. Too much has changed...New job, new life and a few new friends. It's been 5 months since James has left and I've  just been killing time I suppose. I do love him, but I feel better about who I am now that I'm on my own. I've been spending my time getting belligerently drunk and surviving just on coffee and little sleep. This may sound like I'm pretty proud of my new party girl image but mostly I'm just glad I can face being alone and resposible for my own actions. I have no one to blame and no one to protect me now. I can dress how i'd like and not worry about making anyone feel insecure or uncomfortable. As for my new job, it's fantastic! I'm making a crap ton more than I was at the salon and I get to work with 2 super high end lines...I get sent on business trips, to schools and marketing classes. It sort of just fell in my lap.. I gave my 2 weeks notice @ my previous job before i even went for the interview. I'm way more ballsy now that I'm single...and I guess it's what I've really always wanted. Of course I miss love....I just want to have no regrets...I want to experience everything that life has to offer. I don't want to settle. I don't want to miss out on my tropical vacation because my lover wants to go to Alaska. Why should I? Life just feels too short now...but I still do sort of wonder if anyone will ever love me and be as true to me as he was. Sometimes I wish he wouldnt have left...then I wouldn't know how much I loved this life....

Don't leave me in this room
The walls are closing in
This is the space I used to say
The line is drawn for you each day

But every day you show
With sound of caving walls
Some day this song will have no pulse
And I'll cave alone

But there we are
Waiting for your answer
Your arms speeded elation
Beating out your salvation
But when the tape stopped you were gone

A half measure from home
home, home

This week I recreate
Edit you back into
The blare that could define you
Coveted by few who knew

The phone rings without pause
This grief wills everyone
All I have is our shitty song
How could it ever be enough?

Here we are in our final accord
A mortician and his tools
Sonically bury you
You could have chose another chord
to resolve on
on, on

I'm completely gutted, heartbroken and messy....He's been gone for over a month and I have no idea who I am. I thought I would be getting along a little bit better than I am. He's heartbroken too, but why did he leave in the first place? So much time for my friends but it's not the same. I keep reminding myself that I'll be okay. I know I wont. How could I be? He knows me inside out and loves me even when I don't have mascara on. I hate Sk. I love him. I don't know what to do. My job is amazing as are my friends....but he is the one. I don't know how I'll adjust to living in such a place. I don't know if I should give up my job. Basically, it's between love or my career. Will he and I even be together in 2 years? I need someone to tell me exactly what to do....an unbiased opinion. Is there such a thing? I just need him. He needs me more. I'm scared.

I must have ate the entire contents of my fridge today...and all of my co-workers lunches. Those bitches can cook! I must be super f'ing lazy because I can't be bothered to even heat things up. My lethargy actually translates into healthy eating because I seems to be noshing on alot of veggies, fruit and things that I really don't like the taste of. I can't explain it...but I'm feeling so restless today..I need a change.

I had one hell of a reunion with the vino and I must say, it was bitter sweet. Bitter being the way I felt the next day and sweet being the wonderful time I had with my friends. I think I somehow ended up pulling the whole cliche, get loaded and call your boyfriend crying thing. We actually started fighting because he was choked that I colored my hair dark again. Guess he loves the blondes...lol. I can only imagine what he'll say when I tell him I ordered my hair extensions.. It's weird being able to go out with all of my ladies and not have to worry about when I'm coming home or when I should call home. I don't know if I'm cut out to be single though...I just like to be devoted to someone. Maybe I should just be devoted to myself for a while. I'm just realizing all of these weird little things about myself. Like how I can't eat alone.....Someone has to be around and it doesn't matter who....I guess that's why I've always loved to eat in public. Maybe I'm scared that I'll find I don't like myself after spending so much time alone. I've always had his company as a buffer. Shitty. Self hate ftw!

So much has changed in the past week it's been making my head spin! My boyfriend decided to move back to SK and he's been gone for about 5 days now and I'm feeling pretty lonely. The room feels so empty without all his stuff and to be honest I kinda miss doing all his laundry and having him annoy me all the time. I really don't wanna do the whole long distance thing but my love lives half way across the country! He's been passing his time by partying every night and doing the crazy senseless things that boys do when theyre around their friends. I've been tempted to do some partying myself but I'm just not in the mood. I absolutely cannot be hung over and do my job. I'm in peoples faces breathing on them and smelling like a vat of booze probably isn't so hot. I've been getting a crazy amount of people coming in from out of town for make up applications from word of mouth...Pretty exciting! Finally having people recognize and appreciate my work. Also, I got a $400.00 a month raise...I'm not even kidding. I almost crapped my pants when I got my cheque. Normally it takes 6 months to start being paid straight commision and i hadn't even been there for 3 months when I got my raise. So I guess hard work really does pay off, you just have to prove yourself worthy. It's fun being an expensive make up artist! I have alot of people ask me if I do work independently as well but I really don't want to step on my bosses toes. I love my bosses! Ugg...Loneliness has set in again, so I'm off nosh on some sweet and fattening foods :)

I'm so A.D.D when it comes to the way I look. It's really the only time I'm fickle. I'm too impulsive for my own good. Ugg.. My hair is now blonde again and I feel awful. It's not brassy or anything because it was done professionally, but I still miss having my long, dark hair. I had to have 2 bleach outs followed by bleach foils just to get the rest of the black out. Being in the salon from 2:30-6:30 is not something I'd do again. My hair feels like mush and I'm surprised I still have any hair left. It's snapping off as I brush it unless I have some serious thermal protector. Let me tell you, L'anza's trauma treatment is an f'ing godsend. I don't know how I stayed blonde for so many years when it really didn't suit me. I have to give myself some time to adjust to this new color or I'll get harassed at work. The stylists already bug me about my fickleness as it is.  I think I've just hit a boring phase in my life that has caused me to try to find excitement through altering my appearance. For a while there I had such a healthy outlook on things but now I'm turning into a weird insecure little monster. I need more creative outlets, no? Thank god I don't regret this!! I'm just as in love with it as the day I got it... I'm thinking about getting it filled in, but I don't even know what colors i'd get...Pink might be fabulous but I'm scared of poor fading...It looks rather unfinished though.

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1 comment

The wedding was fabulous and the bride was so beautiful I got one of the ladies in the wedding party to send me some shots for my portfolio. She was a dead ringer for the lead singer in the cardigans...if anyone remembers the cardigans. They had that one hit called "love me". Soooooo f'ing pretty! The whole wedding party was pretty fantastic and we had the champange flowing and music blasting in the salon. I hope they pay me accordingly because I busted my freaking ass from 830am-6pm. I hate it when people say it's not always about the money. Would you ever work for free? Give me a break! I wouldn't work if I didn't have to... I love my job, but I certainly wouldn't do it without pay. I might get another job as well. Perhaps somewhere I can be making tips. I love the tips! I made over $100.00 in two days. I'm getting to greedy now...lol. I wish I made as much as the boyfriend does.

I've been having major hair A.D.D, so yesterday I decided that I needed a big change. In the past month I have went from having really long blackish hair, dark brown with highlights, rockabilly "U" bangs and now it's a super f'ing short graduated bob...also almost black. It happened today and though it is a great cut, I absolutely hate it on me. It's really easy to style and I have my moments where I'm in love with it, but mostly I feel like a lesbien. Not that that's a bad thing...Just a horrid look for me. I Have never had short hair before. James's friends are also coming to visit for the weekend which makes me feel awful.... I wanted to look really hot when they came down becuase I hardly ever see them. So much for that! I'll be counting down the days until I can get hair extensions. I'm really glad I did my coworker's extensions last week because now I'll just have her do them rather than having to do them myself again. I'm thinking about getting one of those Jessica Simpson Hairdo thingies...I saw one of the stylists using one on one of her clients and it looked really good! Don't know if i'd want human or synthetic hair though...I just want my hair back even though it was really, really damaged. Working at a salon is a blessing and a curse. I'm expected to look perfect on a daily basis and sometimes I just want to roll out of bed and throw on a pair of ratty old jeans. Actually, most of the time I don't even want to roll out of bed..lol. I do love it there though, Just really high pressure I guess. The highlight of my week is definitely the 40's themed wedding I'll be doing on sunday.. I'm pretty excited and I have a whole bunch of ideas for that...Can't wait to play! It's sad that my work is my life now...